Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
