i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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