That's intense
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
