im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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