I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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