Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
