Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize