Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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