can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This house was built for laser tag.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
