Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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