i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
