Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
