I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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