If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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