he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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