Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
