Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
