if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
