brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
