Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
