I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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