wake up i wanna do it froggy style
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize