There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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