Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
