I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize