I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
