You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
