you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
