I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i love accidental penises.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
