I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
