I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
