I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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