Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
