yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
