Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
