I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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