"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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