My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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