just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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