I just threw up on my dentist
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
