my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
