She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
