She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
