first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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