This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
