I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
