The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
