Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
