Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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