She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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