the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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