Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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