Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
