Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
