my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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