How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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