I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
