im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
