if i can run in heels then i can drive
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
