I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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