You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
