apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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