I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize