I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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