He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
