It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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