New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
