: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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