Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
